Hypocrite

I'm the biggest hypocrite of all time! and nope! i'm not gonna delete my embarrassing posts that i posted..
HOLY MOTHER OF LORD I'M A HYPOCRITE
but i mean we all are now. Aren't we? we're a bit guilty sometimes for being such a huge hypocrite.
And yes i might do the exact opposite of what i used to say. And yes! i do feel guilty!. But that's not stopping me from doing things i used to hate doing!.

HAHAHAHAH!
HA!
HA!
i hate myself
bye

Little White Flower

Little white flower,
She wakes up everyday
With demons on her chest
Everyday she sees
a glimpse of her death
She secretly enjoys
Finding all the path

My dear flower,
You have found a place
To smile and to laugh
And no longer the demons
Will get in your bones
They have left 
For you, Have won the war

And those that ran
Have mourned and regret
The loss
Of a Little White Flower
That they once forget.

I met you

I was awake at night
silence
it was slowly suffocating me

I met you
As I stare into your eyes
who knew
you would matter to me
you would found pieces of me
that was fallen apart
building me up again
giving me reasons to keep breathing
to smile
to wake up
without a swollen face
to make me whole again
to be happy

you might not know
and you might disagree
but I have built this door
just for you
inside me
and I will not hesitate
to let you in
and explore as you may

for i have a brittle heart
please dont break it

and I am sorry
if the voice
from the back of your head
ever said
my presence annoy you
if I'm self important
i complain too much
because i never
met someone
who i could be myself
and be happy

if you ever feel lost
like music misses it's tune
and if you ever feel lonely
like a flower misses the sunshine on a cold dark winter
if you ever feel,
the past is swallowing you
the dark is eating you alive
to the bones
I am seconds away
for me to protect you
and if I fail
Forgive me
for I am not perfect
But I am perfect enough to know
That I will try my best
to restore
your beautiful crooked smile
your imperfections

If you don't like yourself
if you hate you
that doesn't matter
because
I love you.

asdfghjkl

I don't believe in happiness they are just a vague overrated surreal thing that people seem to crave for. I don't like emotions, They are fake. they make you feel you're something else, makes you feel happy like you're special, makes you feel sad that you wish you don't want to live anymore, makes you feel angry that you want the world to just collapse,  and the feelings that seemed so real,just vanish.

You know, sometimes I feel empty, nothing, like you don’t know what to do with your life, because your life is just shit and plain.and it feels like if you die, nothing's going to happen, and you're going to be happy. well, not happy, because logically if you die you can’t feel happiness, you can’t feel anything. Nothing at all. Maybe that is the thing that I wanted to feel.                  Nothing.

 

I close my eyes momentarily . I see nothing, but I feel something. I see only blackness from my eyelid, and see nothing but I can see calmness. I can see something. Something beautiful. momentarily I felt happy. Happy because of the silence . but how do I know that I’m happy? when I don’t even know what happiness is. For a long time, I smiled. I don’t know why I smiled. Maybe I was saturated all the time. Saturated from everything . saturated from life I’m having that I forgot what beauty and happiness is. Maybe this is beauty, but maybe it's not. I try not to believe in happiness and got drown by it, as it is not real.

Living in a great life

So previous post i said im going to berlin. i actually am going to beijing,china. Im in an international school here.

So the title says "living in a great life" why do i say this? ok so previously i was upset that im leaving my friends.i try not to bring this up or else i'll be in tears. I do love my friends so much that i left them a short message before i leave (so cliche).And blablabla i'm now living in beijing now. I'm gonna talk about the school

im telling this in case you care.. haha that previously i went to the local high school in indonesia.and well..it was quite a bit of every emotion throwed up into together. there was so much love that i experience(then agian..not boys) and there was so much hate and sadness.

Well , before i moved here, i was afraid will i be living in a happy life?well here's the answer, yes.

there are ups and down about it so basically in my previous school every high school nightmare is in there. again..ifyoucare... I was sort of "bullied" in high school by some of my "popular" friends.
why? because i didnt have a lot of friends from my grade and i always go grab food alone and eat alone(no im not exaggerating,ask my old friend if ya dont belive me;P).here's are the things they did ifyoucare:

they made fun of me by making jokes about me
They once asked me if im their friends because i was playing with my friends from the lower grades.and they sort of intimidate me which sort of..insulting me in a different way where i ended up crying like a bitch
They always respond with a really unpleasant replies Unless they want something from me(since i sort of know musical stuffs and technology) they suddenly became nicer when they want something(wtf rite)
and i was always excluded from everything(my grade stuffs,almost everything..but im used to it kind of and thats why i was always rely on my juniors as my good friends because they love me (HAHA) no but seriously tho..they're better..WAAAAY),now this story is the one that breaks my heart THeeeee most,once my classmates wanted to go to a haunted house fun house thingy to have fun , and i was like "hey i wanna come too!" and they responded with a bitter smile and said yes i didnt think of anything negative that time so yeah.So i asked when do we meet and what time.they responded at 6pm at mcdonalds,so i waited there from 5-7 and i didnt see anyone then i texted them and they said that they already went to the place .with no reason i hear that they actually dont want me..(till this very day i don't know why..and the good thing is that i'm still in a good relationship with dem people that ditched me..) so i stood there and cried and i was reallyreallyrealllllyyyyyyy depressed

BUT LUCKILY.

where i'm living here now in (BWYA school)  my friends are FANTASTIC!!! we're all the same there is no differentiate in our community. even tho not everyone can get along with everyone, they prefer to keep their opinions themselves. on worse cases its not going to be as worse as my old school lol.
I was greeted so nicely with friends and the boys are really nice(which doesnt work from where i'm from HA.) which is so mindblowing.people are so so so nice this is so amazing. im sure im gonna love going to school (exclude math and homeworks..i mean..who loves them anyways?)  there are so much wonderful things i would like to tell but i can't seem to get it into words cause there are too many!!.

I already love my friends and it feels like i know them for so long(which is only a month..) i would love to say i love them but its too early! but i could..i would!!!

Don't give up in life guys.as u see from my previous life...it wasnt really good,was it? . no but here i am going uphill with my life! better and better. i almost lose hope in society and friends...until i came here. i knew god sent me here for a reason! (:

I'm Leaving (story+thoughts) :c

did you ever feel how hard is it to leave someone you love? (specificaly im not talking about boys ok .. im talking about friends..)

so long my dad works in some place where every 2/3 years he will work out from this country for 3/4 years approx. idk...i went to a lot of country before but I loved thailand i miss living there..(since that's the only place i remember being there :s)

So i just got back from school (5th september 2012) and my mom suddenly said .if we go out again you're going to go to college in the country we will go . so i was like .. why is she saying this..so i asked ,why do you ask this? .and she said that my dad got gossips that he's going to berlin probably this year or next year..

I was in a moment of silence for real..because a couple of years ago he also got gossips he'll be going to berlin and it was real but it got cancelled cause he got promoted (moment of happiness)

Back to the story..so then i asked when. she doesnt know . i don't really have a lot to say so i just stood there and cry (my mom is driving so she can't see) and i can't stop thinking about it till now so i decide i want to write this

so i'm at my home now opened my computer scrolling on my friends facebook profile. my picture with them and just...cry...cause im not going to see them not so long...and to think that i'll be going to college there..makes me think college prob. around 3/4 years or more... so... highschool 2years=college =6 years

HOLY SHIT 6 FLIPPIN YEARS. I'LL BE 21 WHEN I GOT BACK HOME.



I don't want to go ... really ...and even the most beautiful country ever. i still don't wanna go ... do you know why?

I LOVE IT HERE..why do i love it here? BECAUSE MY FRIENDS IS HERE. :( yes . i love my friends sososo much i literally can't imagine leaving them . i know i will get new friends there,i will get good friends there ... but You can't replace anyone . even there's a new friend.  you can' replace the old one . they are all original . they are all...................my friend

I MEAN .6 friggin years you kidding me?? i can't even imagine like 6 years ago i was freaking 9 and its SOSOSOSO long time ago .... and imagine that im gonna live SO FAR like in europe . and you can't just go back to indonesia anytime you want

even when i live in thailand i only got back home like once a year or twice a year... IMAGINE LIVING HERE.MUCH MUCH FURTHER . I WILL NEVER GOING BACK :( I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE I WILL CRY ALL DAY . I HATE GOODBYES. i hate it so much why does it need to exist..how do i say to my friends that i will leave like "hey im leaving you for 6 years okay, see you guys in 2019 or 2018 ..

My heart feels like it got stabbed now..

Teenager's immature stuffs...

i just want to point out a view things.i just wanna tell a lot of teenager's facts.and  ive been in a teenager's "immature" life and have experience 85% of them.until i open my eyes and see the reality
and since im a teenager im still immature and change things a looooot.but i try not to take them too far

DATING
i just hate teenagers immature personality. and it always makes me puke inside when i see my friend dating and acted like they last forever and acted so cute like ...baby gooo goooo pumpkin pieee awwwww so sweet.

HA.HA stupid . they probably las less than 4 months. and even they last years. their relationship isnt as sweet as the first month.

i mean, dating is like trend .right. you feel like you wanna date someone and you get them and then when you get bored of it you leave them.cmon why are you dating? you guys are still immature and cant even take care of yourself. your mom is still telling you to brush your teeth.

the reason you wanna date is because you want happiness. they will end. and it ends with breakups and cries and tears and stuffs. and thats.not.happiness . Haha.yes you secretly wanna tell the whole world you have a boy/girlfriend . dont waste your young life by a useless pointless dating..and you guys just might end up doing something innapropriate.......


FRIENDS,BEST FRIENDS
your friends,or you probably have a group of friends,and if you don't,you're like me ,we should date ;)or be besties..lol xx

anyways, your friends,they have a group of friends who always hang out together and clarify themselves "besties" and the next month theyre not besties anymore and they hate eachother because they all fighting...mentally,duh.only boys do physically..sometimes.

and puhleaaaaseee just because you met 1 friend and you talked for a week or more and you find a lot of things in common. doesnt mean you will be besties forever..there are some side of your friends that you dont know.

people are like layers you know. some peal easily and some takes years,and revealing something more from them. you can't just say "yeah i chat with her for 3 weeks everyday,i know her" . -lisacim

you need to know what they like,love,dislike,hate and all of their feelings.

you know...people acted different here in the internet life. and you will always see a different side of them . and if you're one of them.you probably think that youre the only one . NOOOOOO a lot of your friends from your school are like you too.what u see on the outside is not what you see in the inside.

try to talk to them hang out and tell stories , they probably just like you!


INSECURITIES
99,9% of teenagers encounter this problem called insecurities.

"i dont deserve to live"
WHO SAYYYYYS you probably say that in the internet. and to have internet it requires electronic gadget and money. and you have them . homeless people will look at you like a rude jerk for saying that. you still have someone to love. could be from ur friends,family,cousin,internet friends idk. as long as you have that. you DESERVE TO LIVE


"nobody loves me"
HAHAHAHA yeah right. then agaain..you have internet,you have money. and the one who gives you internet is your parents. and they love you so u can have an internet.whats your excuse now? and if u dont trust nobody right now (your friends) just love your parents! give them your story,your trust.
your parents sacrifice more than your friends does.


"i have no reason to be smiling and happy right now"
once again. HAHAHAHA dont say that unless you:
dont have internet
dont have parents
dont have friends
dont have money
dont have foods
dont have home
dont have your dignity


"im so ugly,im not as pretty as other girls"
im not gonna laugh this time. but as so you know that the "pretty girls" are also insecure for how they look like.
and youre as stupid as them
listen,why should you be insecure?im 100% sure in your life you saw people who are uglier than you.and you're just like "oh another human passing by"
and why are you afraid to see people just because you think youre ugly? no one gives a crap on how you look.
just think when someone passing by in front of you ,you don't really care. but the person who passed by possibly think they're the ugliest human alive. but you dont think that , right?you don't even care.
so as the same you dont need to faken yourself to look like someone else. when WHO YOU ARE is already awesome

look at yourself on the mirror and see what you see, a beautiful human being . theres a lot of people who dont really have perfect body parts. and they are less insecure than you are. whats your excuses now?