Little White Flower

Little white flower,
She wakes up everyday
With demons on her chest
Everyday she sees
a glimpse of her death
She secretly enjoys
Finding all the path

My dear flower,
You have found a place
To smile and to laugh
And no longer the demons
Will get in your bones
They have left 
For you, Have won the war

And those that ran
Have mourned and regret
The loss
Of a Little White Flower
That they once forget.

I met you

I was awake at night
silence
it was slowly suffocating me

I met you
As I stare into your eyes
who knew
you would matter to me
you would found pieces of me
that was fallen apart
building me up again
giving me reasons to keep breathing
to smile
to wake up
without a swollen face
to make me whole again
to be happy

you might not know
and you might disagree
but I have built this door
just for you
inside me
and I will not hesitate
to let you in
and explore as you may

for i have a brittle heart
please dont break it

and I am sorry
if the voice
from the back of your head
ever said
my presence annoy you
if I'm self important
i complain too much
because i never
met someone
who i could be myself
and be happy

if you ever feel lost
like music misses it's tune
and if you ever feel lonely
like a flower misses the sunshine on a cold dark winter
if you ever feel,
the past is swallowing you
the dark is eating you alive
to the bones
I am seconds away
for me to protect you
and if I fail
Forgive me
for I am not perfect
But I am perfect enough to know
That I will try my best
to restore
your beautiful crooked smile
your imperfections

If you don't like yourself
if you hate you
that doesn't matter
because
I love you.

asdfghjkl

I don't believe in happiness they are just a vague overrated surreal thing that people seem to crave for. I don't like emotions, They are fake. they make you feel you're something else, makes you feel happy like you're special, makes you feel sad that you wish you don't want to live anymore, makes you feel angry that you want the world to just collapse,  and the feelings that seemed so real,just vanish.

You know, sometimes I feel empty, nothing, like you don’t know what to do with your life, because your life is just shit and plain.and it feels like if you die, nothing's going to happen, and you're going to be happy. well, not happy, because logically if you die you can’t feel happiness, you can’t feel anything. Nothing at all. Maybe that is the thing that I wanted to feel.                  Nothing.

 

I close my eyes momentarily . I see nothing, but I feel something. I see only blackness from my eyelid, and see nothing but I can see calmness. I can see something. Something beautiful. momentarily I felt happy. Happy because of the silence . but how do I know that I’m happy? when I don’t even know what happiness is. For a long time, I smiled. I don’t know why I smiled. Maybe I was saturated all the time. Saturated from everything . saturated from life I’m having that I forgot what beauty and happiness is. Maybe this is beauty, but maybe it's not. I try not to believe in happiness and got drown by it, as it is not real.

Living in a great life

So previous post i said im going to berlin. i actually am going to beijing,china. Im in an international school here.

So the title says "living in a great life" why do i say this? ok so previously i was upset that im leaving my friends.i try not to bring this up or else i'll be in tears. I do love my friends so much that i left them a short message before i leave (so cliche).And blablabla i'm now living in beijing now. I'm gonna talk about the school

im telling this in case you care.. haha that previously i went to the local high school in indonesia.and well..it was quite a bit of every emotion throwed up into together. there was so much love that i experience(then agian..not boys) and there was so much hate and sadness.

Well , before i moved here, i was afraid will i be living in a happy life?well here's the answer, yes.

there are ups and down about it so basically in my previous school every high school nightmare is in there. again..ifyoucare... I was sort of "bullied" in high school by some of my "popular" friends.
why? because i didnt have a lot of friends from my grade and i always go grab food alone and eat alone(no im not exaggerating,ask my old friend if ya dont belive me;P).here's are the things they did ifyoucare:

they made fun of me by making jokes about me
They once asked me if im their friends because i was playing with my friends from the lower grades.and they sort of intimidate me which sort of..insulting me in a different way where i ended up crying like a bitch
They always respond with a really unpleasant replies Unless they want something from me(since i sort of know musical stuffs and technology) they suddenly became nicer when they want something(wtf rite)
and i was always excluded from everything(my grade stuffs,almost everything..but im used to it kind of and thats why i was always rely on my juniors as my good friends because they love me (HAHA) no but seriously tho..they're better..WAAAAY),now this story is the one that breaks my heart THeeeee most,once my classmates wanted to go to a haunted house fun house thingy to have fun , and i was like "hey i wanna come too!" and they responded with a bitter smile and said yes i didnt think of anything negative that time so yeah.So i asked when do we meet and what time.they responded at 6pm at mcdonalds,so i waited there from 5-7 and i didnt see anyone then i texted them and they said that they already went to the place .with no reason i hear that they actually dont want me..(till this very day i don't know why..and the good thing is that i'm still in a good relationship with dem people that ditched me..) so i stood there and cried and i was reallyreallyrealllllyyyyyyy depressed

BUT LUCKILY.

where i'm living here now in (BWYA school)  my friends are FANTASTIC!!! we're all the same there is no differentiate in our community. even tho not everyone can get along with everyone, they prefer to keep their opinions themselves. on worse cases its not going to be as worse as my old school lol.
I was greeted so nicely with friends and the boys are really nice(which doesnt work from where i'm from HA.) which is so mindblowing.people are so so so nice this is so amazing. im sure im gonna love going to school (exclude math and homeworks..i mean..who loves them anyways?)  there are so much wonderful things i would like to tell but i can't seem to get it into words cause there are too many!!.

I already love my friends and it feels like i know them for so long(which is only a month..) i would love to say i love them but its too early! but i could..i would!!!

Don't give up in life guys.as u see from my previous life...it wasnt really good,was it? . no but here i am going uphill with my life! better and better. i almost lose hope in society and friends...until i came here. i knew god sent me here for a reason! (: